How to live with the things I've seen
by Hell789abdv
Summary: Ianto still has nightmares about the battle of Canary Wharf.


How to live with the things I've seen…

By Hellabdv

Pairings: Jack/Ianto; past Ianto/Lisa

Warnings: Spoilers for 1x4 and Doctor Who Doomsday

Summary: Ianto still has nightmares.

Disclaimer: Torchwood does not belong to me.

Jack could always tell when Ianto was having nightmares. There was something about the way that he held himself. A tenseness and well hidden tiredness. Jack could imagine the nightmares. Lisa. Torchwood One. Cybermen. Darleks. Lisa. But to even think he knew what the young Welshmen had been through was an insult. He had seen the effects. Had seen the destruction that had been left when the Battle of Canary Wharf was over but he didn't know what had happened to the people. He could imagine the terror and horror, the fear but he wasn't there and he had no right to pretend to understand.

He hadn't asked about Canary Wharf. Lisa had been a little sample of what had happened and he thought that everything else Ianto experienced was nothing compared to finding her half converted.

When they had begun sleeping together he had heard other names. Ianto waking up screaming for Laura, Kevin, Ben, Max… There were about ten common names that occurred more than once. However Ianto had never explained about them. He immediately pulled away from Jack's comforting arms and sat at the edge of the bed breathing hard, when his breathing calmed and he pulled his clothes on and left the room. Sometimes going home other times staying in the hub working.

It hurt Jack that Ianto didn't want his comfort after all Jack needed the contact after his own nightmares. It was something that they had sort of come to realize that both of them had different ways of dealing with their personal terrors. Jack liked to be held, to feel another person. Whereas Ianto needed to be alone to process everything.

When Ianto's nightmares were bad he would leave straight after sex which annoyed Jack. Ianto was willing to have sex with Jack, comfort him but he wouldn't seek comfort.

In the past week Ianto hadn't stayed and he knew the nightmares were horrendous. It wasn't surprising really, it was the two year anniversary of Canary Wharf and Ianto was withdrawing from everything. He was the model employee as ever but he was quiet. Sometimes Jack joked that if Ianto was any quieter he would be invisible in the last few days it was almost the truth.

Finally it was the night of the anniversary and whether Ianto wanted him or not Jack was going to be there for him. He entered Ianto's flat. He knew that Ianto would know it was him the way he always did.

He found Ianto on his sofa a photo album and a bottle of scotch. There was a small light on in the corner, which was enough for Jack to see Ianto's face was tear stained and he looked disheveled and miserable.

"There's a glass in the kitchen." Ianto said quietly. Jack took the invitation and quickly grabbed a tumbler and sat himself down next to Ianto, who was looking intently through photographs. Jack poured himself a generous helping of scotch and waited. He would wait all night for Ianto to let him in if he needed to.

"That's how I try to remember her." Ianto said pulling the photo album onto his lap so Jack could see. There were four pictures but Jack immediately knew that Ianto was talking about the picture in the left hand corner. It was Lisa laughing with a glass of wine in her hand with her arm thrown around another man and a young pretty woman.

"She was beautiful." Jack stated quietly. The picture beneath it was far more personal Lisa and Ianto in bad with covers everywhere smiling into the camera that Lisa was holding. They both looked so young and carefree it was painful.

"That's Kevin and that's Laura." Ianto said pointing back to the picture at the top. "They died in the Battle." He knew Jack would know that. He wouldn't be screaming out the names of people who survived. "That is Luke and Ben." Ianto smiled sadly at the picture of the two young men with pint glasses in their hands. "Ben's dead. Luke's in a psychiatric ward." Ianto sighed heavily turning the page. There were more shots of Ianto and Lisa looking incredibly attractive and in love it made Jack's heart ache. They really were the real deal. Ianto and Lisa forever as the photograph that Ianto had framed in his bedroom draw said in silver letters.

"Danny and Lou." Ianto laughed a little. "I'd almost forgotten." He sobbed painfully and Jack pulled him into a tight hug, gently stroking Ianto's cheek. "I shouldn't forget any of them." Ianto exclaimed pulling away and throwing the album on the coffee table.

Jack didn't know what to say. What could he say? Anything he said to comfort Ianto would only make him angrier.

"Ianto."

"No Jack none of them deserve to be forgotten not one of them. Not any of them. Whatever you may think about Torchwood One, and all of us getting what we deserved."

"I never said that." Jack protested.

"No but you thought it. Torchwood One idiots. Deserved what they got for fucking with things they shouldn't have. None of those people. Not Lisa, Luke or Ben knew what was going on. I didn't know. No one knew except the bastards that brought it down on us. You blame everyone who was there but they aren't to blame."

"I know that Ianto. I do." Jack said quietly against Ianto's rage.

"Do you know what it's like…?" Ianto struggled and moved across to the window. After a few minutes he laughed bitterly. "Of course you do." He said leaning his head against the window. "You've seen it before. Seems insignificant to the things I bet you've seen."

"It doesn't matter any less." Jack stated plainly. He had lost people in a similar fashion before but he had known the risks. He had seen the universe and knew what was out there and what they could do. He hadn't been naïve or innocent like Ianto and his friends had been. Having alien technology around them but never seeing the reality of it all.

Ianto stood in silence as Jack watched him.

"I have PTSD you know." He knew Jack did know. There was no way he couldn't. "Mild case I guess because after the battle I didn't have time to think I just had to keep Lisa alive. I had to save her. When I failed that's when the symptoms started. Nightmares, flashbacks, mild OCD though I've always had that." Ianto laughed miserably. "I keep trying to push it all away but then I remember that I'm pushing them all out too. Forgetting them because I can't function with them." He slid down the wall facing Jack.

"It will get better. The memories of battle will fade and you'll be able to remember the good times."

"Every time I look at them all I hear is screaming. Every time I think about Lisa it's tainted by the image of her in that machine. Or worse what she became for me." He leaned forwards and sobbed.

Jack walked over to him slowly. Gently wrapping his arms around him and kissing the top of his head thankful that Ianto was taking comfort in him.


End file.
